Musical Chairs

Whatever this phenomenon on is, I guess I'll take it.

I’m confused, which happens on occasion. My wife and I went to visit our daughter and her family in London a few weeks ago. The English are generally observant and considerate of other’s situations. What’s not to like about that? My wife and I are American, and considerate, also. But not quite in the same way. 

In America, as in many places, we concern ourselves with fairness, social justice and other very worthwhile objectives. Some people are obsessed. We use the term ‘woke’ to indicate people who have become almost neurotic about it: “Surely, I must be guilty of something. I have no right to feel good about myself, considering how guilty I am.” Enough, already. Is that neurosis actually helping anyone? Does that build a healthy relationship with the people in need of that compassion? 

What do we owe each other? Who owes the most? The least? Who owes, and who is owed? That can all become confusing and pointless. We want to do right by each other, but if it becomes mindless ideology, it can be worse than useless. We have objectified compassion. Think about that. We have made rules about who should care, and who should be cared about. That’s phony. That’s not real caring. 

So, back to London. My wife and I and our daughter were on the subway. As is often the case, there were more people than seats. My daughter said that we should not be surprised if people got up and offered us their seats, given that we are older. Wait a minute! We are older, but we are not feeble. We can stand. But a young white woman stood to give my wife her seat. (I’ll list races here, whether they matter or not). My wife declined, because, well, Americans don't do this. But she ultimately gave in to custom, and took the seat. Shortly after, a middle-aged black woman got up to give me her seat. Now THAT’S a conundrum. In my entire life as a male, I have never been offered a seat by a female. I’ve offered my seat, but never taken a seat. Frankly, I was confounded a little. All my cultural experience had not prepared me for this. Should I, a white male, take a black women’s seat? I’ve done most of my thinking about this after the fact, but I couldn't stand there thinking about it then. The woman INSISTED that I take the seat, so I took it. And no sooner than I had taken her seat, than a young white man rose to giver his seat to her. Musical chairs in a very positive way! 

Rosa Parks went to jail rather than give her seat to a white man. We all respect her for that. What was I to think in the subway in London? I was unprepared to take that black woman’s seat, both because she’s a woman, and because she’s black. Times change, I guess. And I’m a lot older, and apparently worthy of consideration that I would not have received when I was younger. 

Now I know: In London, my age trumps race and gender. Take the seat, and don’t fret about it. Really, I’m fine with standing, but you’ve got to like a social order based on GIVING and not TAKING. We could use more of that in America. Yes, we give here. And we take here. But I think we’ve got a lot of it backward.  

And I’ve had other thoughts. In a subway car where people are conscious of who is standing, and readily yield their seats to them, doesn’t that discourage much of the strife that exists in our daily lives? If people are that conscious of each other, can they then push and shove to get past each other? Perhaps it’s objectification, either way. I was objectified. I was seen as an old man that needed a seat more than a middle-aged woman. Honestly, I was a bit upset at that objectification. But it’s easy enough to accept, considering the intent. And it beats the objectification of treating others as if they are objects to be pushed past. 

Yes, I’m probably making too much of this. But when I show consideration, I try not to objectify, even with the best of intentions. Who really needs my help? Whose help do I really need? Is my help really just a form of objectification and condescension? Is my ‘help’ mostly a means to assuage my ego? Is my help really helping?  

I have a healthy distrust of objectification, even with good intentions. But it’s certainly better than objectification with bad intentions. 

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